On…living unusually?

I wrote this yesterday but it didn’t post because I posted it in the wrong place, which is actually pretty awkward of me….  Ergh.

Sometimes I think my life is boring.  Dull, even – I don’t spend nearly enough time *doing things*, I’m severely lacking in hobbies these days, and well…I find it hard to make small talk.

But that’s where my love life comes in.

I think my life gets interesting, when you start looking at the ins and outs of my sexual relationships.

For example, tonight…well, I am sitting in my room at the moment.  My dog is sleepy and quiet.  I had a gloriously warm shower when I got home (so LATE! – 8:30pm!) from work tonight and that improved my day beautifully, not to mention I have the next three off!

But…I am sitting here thinking about him.  How tonight he has another girl over at his place.  How he is touching every inch of her body and she is loving it.  How he denied me last time I was over, because I wouldn’t tell him some private thought…

And it’s a turn on.

I didn’t always know I would *like* this.  I knew, grew into, being beautifully un-jealous, strongly talented in compersion, and capable of functioning easily and fluidly within monogamous or polyamorous relationships.

And then I met him.

At the time – both of us had very significant others.  Fucking funny how the world changes, don’t you think?  Neither of our relationships – both of which were long term, meant to last forever, gut-wrenchingly sincere, soul-mate type relationships – were impacted negatively by our sexual relationship with each other, for the record.  But at the time we both had significant others.

My “poly” life was kinda new-ish, to my relationship with nhc.  It was tender and growing and full of exploration and excitement. (for her, mostly, I’d done it before..) but he was non-monogamous to start with and had been throughout his entire relationship with his then gf.  So it made sense that he would host.

I never felt guilty; being the ‘other woman’ – honestly until I was writing this it never crossed my mind that I should or needed to?  I am sure if it had been a sneaking-around sitch, there would have been guilt, but I am getting off topic here.  I never felt guilty; I just knew that she existed and that was that.

Eventually it came to be mentioned that I should come over (for the sex, duh) even if she was home.  I shouldn’t or needn’t be planning our trysts by scheduling them only for when she was out of the house.  I felt weird, awkward about this.  Eventually it happened “all a sudden-ish” because she wound up staying home sick (in retrospect she looked pretty un-sick) when I was coming over.  I was given the bow out option and decided to man up and just go.

I met her awkwardly before being led into the bedroom (of a small, one bedroom apartment for the record..) where we proceeded to have mind blowing sex, twice, before I stumbled out into the night after saying goodbye to her giant smiles…

I didn’t overthink it until He and I started talking more genuinely about sexual preferences, experiences, and in the long run, kink.

He eventually explained that they had a dominant-submissive relationship, and that she was a “cuckquean” – that is, she got off on him fucking others.

Well, ok.  Interesting…I wasn’t sure what to think about that and weighed it in and out of my mind casually for a long assed time.

We had a couple of other similar meetings, and a couple of aborted attempts at planning threeways before relationships started ending left right and center and I found myself re-evaluating my wants, needs, relationship goals…

Wait, to back up for a minute.  In between explosions of the life-like nature, I met a girl.  I seduced her and dropped her off to be fucked by my lover one night.  That was a turning point, but I didn’t know it yet.

So at some point, I come to realize…it’s a turn on for me.  This is confusing to me, because I am not submissive to other women and in fact, in general, can be quite (quietly and passive-aggressively) competitive with other females…so it’s weird, right?  Anyhow, maybe it’s the humiliation…that really turns me on…that he can do that with them, and I can’t do anything about it…and even if I did (and I don’t) want to do something about it, I would fail, because my body reacts to it without me having much of a (mental) say in the matter.

So, long story short – my lover is making love to another woman tonight, while I sit alone at home, in my room wondering what they’re doing.  Thinking about how I would absolutely die to be a fly on the wall and to watch their interactions (yeah I am female, my pron comes with story lines…) and hear her moan while he fucked her.  So, I think my life is kinda interesting, no?

xx.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s