Today’s daily prompt post.
“Tell us about the experience of being outside, looking in — however you’d like to interpret that.”
Ok, first thing that comes to my mind is (kinda bad) song lyrics. “I’m on the outside/and I’m looking in/I can see through you/see your true colors/inside you’re ugly/ugly like me/I can see through you/see to the real you” – those lyrics might not be totally correct but that’s basically them.
Second thought is my previous post; what it more outside+looking in than watching your partner make love to someone else?
But I don’t think those topics are really where I am going to go with this post.
So, I have always been kinda weird. I don’t know – I spent a huge portion of my childhood actually being quite outgoing, loud, BOSSY, obnoxious. Something hit me wrong at some point, or I just damaged myself enough that I slower down.
Became quiet, withdrawn, introverted, sometimes socially anxious.
You wouldn’t always know it to look at me. At my job, I am confident, I know what I am doing, and I am pleasant (usually). That is probably why I have been there for SO long though.
But throw me in with a group of people; I am fringe. I have nothing to say to so many of them. I don’t make small talk and I don’t know how to fake interest; it honestly just doesn’t work for me. I will interject if someone says something stupid enough to catch my attention and I feel I need to dispute a point they are making, but I have also been known to say possibly less than a handful of un-prompted words at a social gathering of strangers.
Don’t get me wrong; I am often ridiculous and make an ass out of myself with close friends and my family regularly. It’s the social vibe that breaks me.
So, when you put me with other people I don’t know; I am on the outside, entirely. I don’t understand them and it’s like they have these little cliques and these things they talk about…and fuck, I didn’t get the manual of how to talk about crap when I was growing up, I just took the survival guide. So I observe a lot. I watch and I listen and I learn about human nature, and I probably know a lot more about many of my friends than most people do – not because they have necessarily told me extra stuff, but because I have so intently observed what they are think/say/feel/doing on so many given occasions.
And yeah, it’s lonely sometimes. To not belong, to not fit in, to be on the edge instead of in the fray. But someone has to.