Entry from this writing project idea.
“Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.”
I think in a way I am still evolving. Growing, stretching, learning and figuring it all out.
Sometimes I feel *really fucking far behind* when I see or meet these women who are in their early twenties that have tried some crazy shit and identified for themselves what they are, already.
Of course – they might not be right and could be totally different ten years from today. I know I am certainly not the same girl (sexually or otherwise) as I was at 21.
I’m going to call myself a switch but I will definitely say in my current circumstances I am 100% submissive. There is no questioning that even if there were someone who wanted to try. So although I like – very much in some ways – to be a really mean top with women (it’s fucking fun!) and don’t think I would ever submit to a chick – unless it was in a “for tonight, to try it” sense – I will write a bit about submission and what that (currently) means to me and why it is interesting.
I think a huge part of it is that I am a pleaser. I grew up wanting my daddy to be proud of me, for him to think I was pretty, the best and doing all the right things and to lavish me with attention when I deserved it. I transferred that into various other social interactions throughout my life; I would want to be “good” so I would volunteer with younger kids. I was a good girl and I would babysit and read books instead of doing other things.
Eventually no-one was paying any attention to me at all and I did what all teenagers are want to do – I rebelled, made bad choices, etc.
Anyhow, back to now. I never defined myself sexually until 2012. That’s when I really started thinking about it all. My relationship had changed and we were seeing other people. My eyes were *opening* and my brain couldn’t take in information, thoughts, ideas fast enough.
I was mildly reluctant at first. I didn’t want to say “yes, I would like for you to spank me to see if I like it”.
(actually I never fully said that – mostly we talked around it until it was offered for immediate trying)
But then I did. And I liked it. I liked the idea that this other person could do this to me. That he could have control of me in this way. That he knew…what I didn’t. That I would willingly take off my pants and bend myself over his knee, ass-in-the-air. The he would start off sort of gently and before I knew it, my panties were around my ankles and he was proving to me just how much I did like this as I became wetter and my ass became redder. That I would humiliate myself like this; that he would humiliate me and I would not only like it but *crave* it.
It’s not all about the sex stuff. I find myself in the most uncomfortable moments sometimes. Where I’ve done something and I am sure he wouldn’t approve and I immediately regret it. That I want (and try to!) make his life easier for him; sexually or otherwise. I would essentially do anything for him and put his needs far in front of my own, if he asked it of me.
So my kinky self? Is a girl who is sometimes lonely. She craves to be held and owned and cherished; to be applauded and punished; to be pushed down to the floor and taken full advantage of; to offer herself without reservation. My kinky self, I think is a pleaser who wants nothing but to fulfill needs and wants. And occasionally, she is a bit greedy and wants *all of the sex* and *all of the cum* and *all of the pain*. But, she’s patient, too.