30 Days of Kink: Entry #1

Entry from this writing project idea.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.”

I think in a way I am still evolving.  Growing, stretching, learning and figuring it all out.

Sometimes I feel *really fucking far behind* when I see or meet these women who are in their early twenties that have tried some crazy shit and identified for themselves what they are, already.

Of course – they might not be right and could be totally different ten years from today.  I know I am certainly not the same girl (sexually or otherwise) as I was at 21.

I’m going to call myself a switch but I will definitely say in my current circumstances I am 100% submissive.  There is no questioning that even if there were someone who wanted to try.  So although I like – very much in some ways – to be a really mean top with women (it’s fucking fun!) and don’t think I would ever submit to a chick – unless it was in a “for tonight, to try it” sense – I will write a bit about submission and what that (currently) means to me and why it is interesting.

I think a huge part of it is that I am a pleaser.  I grew up wanting my daddy to be proud of me, for him to think I was pretty, the best and doing all the right things and to lavish me with attention when I deserved it.  I transferred that into various other social interactions throughout my life; I would want to be “good” so I would volunteer with younger kids.  I was a good girl and I would babysit and read books instead of doing other things.

Eventually no-one was paying any attention to me at all and I did what all teenagers are want to do – I rebelled, made bad choices, etc.

Anyhow, back to now.  I never defined myself sexually until 2012.  That’s when I really started thinking about it all.  My relationship had changed and we were seeing other people.  My eyes were *opening* and my brain couldn’t take in information, thoughts, ideas fast enough.

I was mildly reluctant at first.  I didn’t want to say “yes, I would like for you to spank me to see if I like it”.

(actually I never fully said that – mostly we talked around it until it was offered for immediate trying)

But then I did.  And I liked it.  I liked the idea that this other person could do this to me.  That he could have control of me in this way.  That he knew…what I didn’t.   That I would willingly take off my pants and bend myself over his knee, ass-in-the-air.  The he would start off sort of gently and before I knew it, my panties were around my ankles and he was proving to me just how much I did like this as I became wetter and my ass became redder.  That I would humiliate myself like this; that he would humiliate me and I would not only like it but *crave* it.

It’s not all about the sex stuff.  I find myself in the most uncomfortable moments sometimes.  Where I’ve done something and I am sure he wouldn’t approve and I immediately regret it.  That I want (and try to!) make his life easier for him; sexually or otherwise.  I would essentially do anything for him and put his needs far in front of my own, if he asked it of me.

So my kinky self?  Is a girl who is sometimes lonely.  She craves to be held and owned and cherished; to be applauded and punished; to be pushed down to the floor and taken full advantage of; to offer herself without reservation.  My kinky self, I think is a pleaser who wants nothing but to fulfill needs and wants.  And occasionally, she is a bit greedy and wants *all of the sex* and *all of the cum* and *all of the pain*.  But, she’s patient, too.

xx,

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